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- Stupider than a person who opens the fridge six times expecting the contents to have developed a new personality
- As cool as a cucumber a paramedic giving clear instructions while everyone else is running around in circles
- The one thing I would never say to my mother-in-law is pretending to get an urgent notification on my phone and making a dramatic gasping sound
- The one thing that makes me instantly happy is finding cash in a coat pocket and feeling like I have been personally selected for a government stimulus
- As annoying as a smoke detector announcing its low battery at three in the morning
- As busy as a restaurant manager on Mother's Day with three missing servers and a kitchen full of smoke
- As slow as a delivery driver searching for an apartment in a building with no numbers
- More useless than a screen door on a submarine during a particularly busy week
words but somehow my driver's license photo says wanted for questioning