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- Stupider than a person who opens the fridge six times expecting the contents to have developed a new personality
- As cool as a cucumber a paramedic giving clear instructions while everyone else is running around in circles
- The one thing I would never say to my mother-in-law is pretending to get an urgent notification on my phone and making a dramatic gasping sound
- The one thing that makes me instantly happy is finding cash in a coat pocket and feeling like I have been personally selected for a government stimulus
- As annoying as a smoke detector announcing its low battery at three in the morning
- As busy as a restaurant manager on Mother's Day with three missing servers and a kitchen full of smoke
- As slow as a delivery driver searching for an apartment in a building with no numbers
- More useless than a screen door on a submarine during a particularly busy week
a robot vacuum that gets trapped on a flat rug and starts crying for help like a stranded turtle
a smart thermostat that decides twenty degrees is too cold and turns your living room into a tropical sauna
a smart sink that refuses to turn on water because it suddenly lost Bluetooth connectivity
having to ask a voice assistant four times to turn off the kitchen light until it starts playing heavy metal instead
an automated front door lock that updates its security firmware right when you are standing outside with heavy groceries
a smart bulb that disconnected from the Wi-Fi and now leaves me sitting in darkness like a medieval peasant
they say they are five minutes away while their location still shows them in pajamas