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- The worst thing about getting older is realizing that getting up from the couch now requires a plan and sometimes a noise
- The most ridiculous thing I’ve ever done for attention is posting a vague quote about loyalty just to see which friend would text me first
- As embarrassing as a a job interview where you call the hiring manager Mom and then ask for a snack
- More useless than a kitchen gadget that has one button and still requires a forty page instruction manual
- As soft as a marshmallow pillow in a hotel room that costs more than my rent
- The worst thing to overhear
- As ugly as a a scarecrow rejected from a modeling agency for looking too much like a scarecrow
- The one thing I would never say to my in-laws is please stop asking when we are having children because we are still trying to keep a houseplant alive
dropping my phone into the toilet and having to decide whether the phone or my dignity is worth rescuing