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- More useless than a kitchen gadget that has one button and still requires a forty page instruction manual
- As soft as a marshmallow pillow in a hotel room that costs more than my rent
- The worst thing to overhear
- As ugly as a a scarecrow rejected from a modeling agency for looking too much like a scarecrow
- The one thing I would never say to my in-laws is please stop asking when we are having children because we are still trying to keep a houseplant alive
- The worst haircut ever
- The one thing I would do if I could erase one memory is the time I confidently waved at a mannequin because I thought it was an old friend
- Work smarter, not harder because working hard has not improved my snacks-to-income ratio
blaming a suspicious noise on the wind while standing in a room with every window closed