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- The one thing that makes me instantly happy is finding cash in a coat pocket and feeling like I have been personally selected for a government stimulus
- As annoying as a smoke detector announcing its low battery at three in the morning
- As busy as a restaurant manager on Mother's Day with three missing servers and a kitchen full of smoke
- As slow as a delivery driver searching for an apartment in a building with no numbers
- More useless than a screen door on a submarine during a particularly busy week
- As easy as falling off a log
- The most embarrassing mistake ever
- Actions speak louder than my apologies which is why nobody believes me anymore
a used car salesman explaining why the engine light is just part of the holiday decoration