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- The most ridiculous thing I’ve ever done to get free food is telling the waiter it is my birthday in the hope of receiving a free dessert and a round of applause
- Dumber than a broken calculator trying to work out how many times I have made the same mistake this week
- More desperate than ever
- The worst luck ever
- As nutty as a fruitcake
- The one thing I would do if I could control the weather is make it rain only over the lawns of people who run leaf blowers at seven in the morning
- Hungrier than a teenager who has just discovered the refrigerator is not a self cleaning machine
- The most ridiculous thing I’ve ever done after a breakup is changing my entire wardrobe to look mysterious and then getting recognized by the cashier at the grocery store
having to check your bank app before pretending to be spontaneous