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- The one thing I would never say to my in-laws is please stop asking when we are having children because we are still trying to keep a houseplant alive
- The worst haircut ever
- The one thing I would do if I could erase one memory is the time I confidently waved at a mannequin because I thought it was an old friend
- Work smarter, not harder because working hard has not improved my snacks-to-income ratio
- More awkward than trying to pull a push door while someone on the other side watches you struggle
- My childhood dream was to
- Stupider than a person who opens the fridge six times expecting the contents to have developed a new personality
- As cool as a cucumber a paramedic giving clear instructions while everyone else is running around in circles
a toddler who has been promised a cookie and handed a banana instead