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- The worst life hack ever
- The most ridiculous thing I’ve ever done to get free food is telling the waiter it is my birthday in the hope of receiving a free dessert and a round of applause
- Dumber than a broken calculator trying to work out how many times I have made the same mistake this week
- More desperate than ever
- The worst luck ever
- As nutty as a fruitcake
- The one thing I would do if I could control the weather is make it rain only over the lawns of people who run leaf blowers at seven in the morning
- Hungrier than a teenager who has just discovered the refrigerator is not a self cleaning machine
a cracker discovered behind the sofa during the next presidential election