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- Work smarter, not harder because working hard has not improved my snacks-to-income ratio
- More awkward than trying to pull a push door while someone on the other side watches you struggle
- My childhood dream was to
- Stupider than a person who opens the fridge six times expecting the contents to have developed a new personality
- As cool as a cucumber a paramedic giving clear instructions while everyone else is running around in circles
- The one thing I would never say to my mother-in-law is pretending to get an urgent notification on my phone and making a dramatic gasping sound
- The one thing that makes me instantly happy is finding cash in a coat pocket and feeling like I have been personally selected for a government stimulus
- As annoying as a smoke detector announcing its low battery at three in the morning
a scarecrow that has been rejected from a modeling agency for being too stiff