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- As nutty as a fruitcake
- The one thing I would do if I could control the weather is make it rain only over the lawns of people who run leaf blowers at seven in the morning
- Hungrier than a teenager who has just discovered the refrigerator is not a self cleaning machine
- The most ridiculous thing I’ve ever done after a breakup is changing my entire wardrobe to look mysterious and then getting recognized by the cashier at the grocery store
- More dangerous than driving home with a birthday cake on the passenger seat and a sudden urge to brake hard
- As clear as mud
- Every cloud has a silver lining and mine is apparently a coupon that expired yesterday
- Nobody believes me when
a dad carrying every grocery bag in one trip because asking for help would damage his reputation